One more piece in place…

Right, resignation done as well. Now I have no job, no relationship, and fairly minimal belongings. All of my options are open, and I can do what I want.

Here is something that is wonderful, but also sort of terrible. I have just ended my 12 year relationship. All of our friends and families believe (still, for the most part, because the news has not spread far) that ours is the perfect relationship, and that we are always happy. We have a lot of common interests and have done some wonderful things together. She has supported me enormously, put up with an awful lot and generally been great to me. And yet I feel buoyant. We are still living in the same small apartment, and she is fairly clearly not happy, and obviously she is a person who I care a great deal about, so seeing her unhappy (or thinking of her being unhappy, like now, but realistically she is probably focussed on her work right now and has forgotten all about me – most of me hopes so) is terrible, but other than that I feel great. I am sure pretty soon it will really hit home, and then I will feel terrible again, but for now, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from me. Then of course I feel bad for feeling so good when I should be feeling bad. But that is just ridiculous, so I am not going to indulge it.

One of the things that I absolutely have to learn over the coming months is to accept and own my own feelings. I think I have had so long of hiding them from the rest of the world that I have also just fallen into hiding them and denying them to myself as well, and that is simply not healthy. So the fact is, whether it is bad to or not, right now I feel buoyant.


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