Shedding a few tears…

So, I might have accidentally implied that I was happy to have broken up with my Ex. This is certainly not the case. On more than one occassion just lately I have been in a place or doing a thing or looking at a momento that reminds me of her, and felt tears coming out. I am not happy to have broken up. What we had was, for quite a while, beautiful and wonderful and golden. I thought it was the answer to all my questions and the reason for being. Then I thought that it was the thing keeping me alive, simply because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being sad should I die.

Now things have changed, and those things are no longer true, but it doesn’t mean that I am happy. Many years ago I wrote her a poem, and put it in a folding frame with a picture, and she has taken it with her everywhere since then. It said still says that she brightens my day and made me happy, and that I love her. Now, only the last of those is true. The thing that gets me is that I am not sure if she stopped believing any of them because the first two stopped being true, or if the first two stopped being true because she stopped believing any of them. But anyway, this afternoon I noticed the frame was closed. It really gets to me. Why does she close it now? She has been saying for years that she doesn’t feel the things it says, but now she closes it. So the tears came.

And then, she gave me a present. It wasn’t hugely expensive (but not cheap), not at all romantic, but something that she thought I really wanted, and that was really good for me. Again with the tears. I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t even say thank you. I am glad I have never pictured myself as the masculine rock who never shows emotion, or I would have to change my self image even more.

Anyway, the point is, the third statement (that I love her) is still true. And will probably always be true. So f course I am not happy to have broken up. I think it might be the best thing in the circumstances, but I am far from happy.


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