Shedding a few tears…

So, I might have accidentally implied that I was happy to have broken up with my Ex. This is certainly not the case. On more than one occassion just lately I have been in a place or doing a thing or looking at a momento that reminds me of her, and felt tears coming out. I am not happy to have broken up. What we had was, for quite a while, beautiful and wonderful and golden. I thought it was the answer to all my questions and the reason for being. Then I thought that it was the thing keeping me alive, simply because I couldn’t bear the thought of her being sad should I die.

Now things have changed, and those things are no longer true, but it doesn’t mean that I am happy. Many years ago I wrote her a poem, and put it in a folding frame with a picture, and she has taken it with her everywhere since then. It said still says that she brightens my day and made me happy, and that I love her. Now, only the last of those is true. The thing that gets me is that I am not sure if she stopped believing any of them because the first two stopped being true, or if the first two stopped being true because she stopped believing any of them. But anyway, this afternoon I noticed the frame was closed. It really gets to me. Why does she close it now? She has been saying for years that she doesn’t feel the things it says, but now she closes it. So the tears came.

And then, she gave me a present. It wasn’t hugely expensive (but not cheap), not at all romantic, but something that she thought I really wanted, and that was really good for me. Again with the tears. I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t even say thank you. I am glad I have never pictured myself as the masculine rock who never shows emotion, or I would have to change my self image even more.

Anyway, the point is, the third statement (that I love her) is still true. And will probably always be true. So f course I am not happy to have broken up. I think it might be the best thing in the circumstances, but I am far from happy.

Withdrawl Symptoms

So, I guess I should have expected to be getting withdrawl symptoms. It is hardly surprising. But this is the bit that will make me sound like a cold hard bastard – I broke up with my partner of 12 years, and then I quit my job. Right now, the thing that I miss most is the closeness and tenderness and love that I shared with my partner (it was bad enough to break up, but obviously not all bad or we wouldn’t have lasted 12 years…). But the thing I miss most often is the smartphone that I had to give back when I left the job. Suddenly I am using something so primitave that it can barely do any more than send and receive calls. I don’t know how they are even allowed to call it a telephone!

So I have consciously missed that smart phone and wished I had it back about 30 times since I gave it back late last night. And the ridiculous thing is, it is the one I can go out and replace by laying out a couple of hundred euro. The relationship that took twelve years to build? Well, a couple of times I have nearly broken down at the fact that it is gone, but still haven’t so much wanted it back. I expect that will come though. Ah, life is complicated.

Difficult conversations and materialistic tendancies

So I have been having a few difficult conversations just lately. Yesterday was the one about what happens with the mutual possessions and savings I have with my ex. I guess a part of it is that neither of us are very materialistic people, and a part is probably that we are both still a bit shocked about actually being broken up. But essentially we sat there for a long time talking about who gets what, and both saying “you can have it” a lot. I think we finally decided to split the savings in half, but not without negotiation, and a few tears on both sides. I hear stories of people who fight bitterly to get everything that they can, and I think I must just be living in a different world.

I would always have ended the relationship before it got to the point of wanting to hurt the other person, and really a bit of money seems utterly unimportant at this stage. I guess it should, since I am also unemployed (or will be officially as of tomorrow), but I just feel like I have much bigger concerns. I wonder if that will change when I run out of money…

A night out

So, I went out last night. The plan was to go and have a beer with a friend who was having a birthday. But when I got there, he wasn’t there. He had gone for food, and would be back later. So instead I sat and had a beer with a few other people, including a girl who I had met once before. At that time she seemed pretty interested, but I wasn’t, having a girlfriend and all. Last night she again seemed pretty interested. So I had another beer, then another, and a few more. Eventually she went home, but I stayed with other people, and had a few more beers.

I should mention that I am afflicted with LastManStandingitis, that terrible disease that means I simply do not go home until everything is closed, all the alcohol is finished, and everyone else is under the table. The only two other options are that I pass out in the attempt (seldom happens, but it isn’t unknown) or that I head home with/to a beautiful girl. Having just broken the heart of the beautiful girl I live with, I wasn’t going home to her. So I kept drinking, with a few different people. Eventually this included a girl who’s birthday is today, and by that time it was, of course, today. So we went for a few celebratory drinks. We talked about all kinds of things, ranging from the cost of university degrees to the wonders of German bathrooms, which she believes all come equipped with a bath made for two (they don’t). Then her friends left. We went to another bar, and then my friends left. I walked her home, having been offered some good Californian Pinot Noir. We got to her house. She was out of wine, so we lay down on the bed and talked some more. Then she leapt up, announcing that she smelled of smoke and there was only one solution. She went into the bathroom, and I heard the shower start up. I lay there, considering my walk home. Then she walked back into the room. She was fully dressed and dry. I could still hear the shower. It wasn’t the shower.
“Is that your bath I can hear?”
“It is.”
“The one built for two?”
“Yes, the one built for two. Are you coming?”

So I ended up in the bath with a girl I had just met. It was a wonderful bath, made for two. I wish all German bathrooms had one.

We didn’t have sex. We did sleep together. She didn’t really seem to want to have sex. I probably would have, if she had wanted to though. I don’t know what that means about me as a person. Maybe just that I am totally and utterly shallow and fickle. Maybe just that it has been over a month since I had any sex and I have a higher sex drive than that.

When we woke up, I got dressed, we both said thanks for a fun night, and I left. I doubt I will ever see her again. That is not a problem for me, although she was fun.

Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I feel a bit bad about it though, so I thought I would write it down.

One more piece in place…

Right, resignation done as well. Now I have no job, no relationship, and fairly minimal belongings. All of my options are open, and I can do what I want.

Here is something that is wonderful, but also sort of terrible. I have just ended my 12 year relationship. All of our friends and families believe (still, for the most part, because the news has not spread far) that ours is the perfect relationship, and that we are always happy. We have a lot of common interests and have done some wonderful things together. She has supported me enormously, put up with an awful lot and generally been great to me. And yet I feel buoyant. We are still living in the same small apartment, and she is fairly clearly not happy, and obviously she is a person who I care a great deal about, so seeing her unhappy (or thinking of her being unhappy, like now, but realistically she is probably focussed on her work right now and has forgotten all about me – most of me hopes so) is terrible, but other than that I feel great. I am sure pretty soon it will really hit home, and then I will feel terrible again, but for now, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from me. Then of course I feel bad for feeling so good when I should be feeling bad. But that is just ridiculous, so I am not going to indulge it.

One of the things that I absolutely have to learn over the coming months is to accept and own my own feelings. I think I have had so long of hiding them from the rest of the world that I have also just fallen into hiding them and denying them to myself as well, and that is simply not healthy. So the fact is, whether it is bad to or not, right now I feel buoyant.

The web is a wonderful place…

I just found this.  I think it is a wonderful idea, and I am grateful that I found it!  Oh, and I don’t know quite how it works, but maybe if I put this bit of code in here…

then great things will happen… Or maybe not. This was meant to insert the list that can be found here, up there. It didn’t. I am a geek, I can make this happen. But not tonight, not tonight…

Everything is coming into place…

Righty ho.  Everything is coming into place.  Today I broke up with my girlfriend.  I mean finally, once and for all, totally over with no chance of coming back type broke up, not the half hearted efforts of the past.  She is in the spare room even as I write.  I have to say, I was more than happy to move in there myself, but she insisted.  She has a way of doing that.  But anyway, this will be the second time in our 12 year history that we have willingly slept in different rooms of the same house.  And the first time was before we were actually together.  So this time we both know it is for real.

And tomorrow, I will quit my job.  Honestly, I got that process pretty well under way on Friday during my meeting with the COO, but tomorrow I will actually finish the job (no pun intended).  Not sure if they will want me to work out my notice period or not, I am going pretty hard for not, but we will see.

And, of course, I really have no friends around here.  So that is already dealt with.  Should see me entirely ready.  The only question is, what for?  To finally just kill myself and get it over with?  Or to start a bright new chapter in what could turn out to be a magnificent life?

To be honest, I would prefer the latter.  And that surely says something.  Hopefully it says that it will be the later, but we will see.

Poetry

So, I wrote a poem a while ago.  Here it is:

There’s a black dog barking and it’s driving me insane
There’s a black dog barking and it’s filling up my head
There’s a black dog barking and I’m only seeing red
There’s a black dog barking and I’m wishing I was dead
There’s a black dog barking.

MS word thinks it has a grammatical error.  I think it isn’t very good poetry.  Neither of these really matter though, so here it is.

Hello world!

So, I decided to keep the old title, just because I am a computer geek, so that kind of fits.  This is my blog.  Welcome.  You don’t know my name, and I don’t intend you to.  In fact, pretty much the point of this blog is to allow me to say what I want to say without any repercussions, and as part of that, it is pretty important that my name is not associated with it.

Not that there will be anything illegal here.  Or dangerous or deadly.  But certainly some morally questionable things, if I actually keep up with it.  You see, I am depressed.  I haven’t been diagnosed as depressed, or anything like that, and maybe a lot of experts would tell me that I am wrong, and actually I am not depressed.  I would go and ask them, so I know, but if they did say I was wrong I think it would just be depressing.  So for now, I am just going to accept that I am depressed, and leave it at that.

The obvious question is, why am I depressed?  The answer, alas, is not so clear.  I think though a large part of it is that I do not tell the truth about what I am thinking and feeling.  There are a couple of reasons for this, some of them good and honourable, some just sad, and some terrible and shameful.  But anyway, to get over it, I am going to start telling the truth, and doing it here.

About now you are probably thinking that surely I should have the nerve to put my name to it.  Well, you are probably right, but the fact is, I am not going to.  If you happen to know who I am, or to figure it out, then I ask you to please be gentle.  In fact, even if you don’t know who I am, a bit of gentleness wouldn’t go astray!

Other questions like how often I will post and what the exact content will be will be answered along the journey…